The What the Hell Diaries!
by LitLover 101
Summary: This is just a little story where something crazy happens to one of our favorite and least favorite characters. No one is safe from being mocked, mildly tortured and/or killed. But don't worry. They always come back so we can do it all over again. Come join the crazy. I promise that I will make you laugh or I will offer you a refund of air because this site is free.
1. Chapter 1

This is just a little story where something crazy happens to one of our favorite and least favorite characters. No one is safe from being mocked, mildly tortured and/or killed. But don't worry. They always come back so we can do it all over again. Come join the crazy. I promise that I will make you laugh or I will offer you a refund of air because this site is free.

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Vampire Diaries in any shape or form. That goes to Kevin Williamson, Julie Plec and the CW. **

**Welcome to the What the Hell Diaries. With each new chapter you can pick a character that you would like to see mocked and lightly tortured. So, let me know if you want someone specific before I write chapter 2. On with the show…**

Chapter 1:

It was Christmas morning and Elena Gilbert was happy to be back home. Oh, wait. That's right - she burned down her home with her brother's body inside last year. But at least Jeremy was revived. She was truly blessed to have a group of friends who would sacrifice their own lives to make her happy. Letting out a contented sigh, Elena looked around the bedroom and then she frowned. That was weird. She could have sworn that she had just gone to Damon's bed but somehow she was in Stefan's. Oh, well.

Yawning, Elena got out of the bed. She strolled out of the room and into Damon's room. He wouldn't mind if she used his shower even though he professed to never want to see her again. Opening his bottle of shampoo, she breathed in the lovely scent that smelled like Damon. How he managed to find a shampoo that smelled like bourbon, blood and studely vampire she would never know. But maybe she would ask when she needed to have wild sex and to then dump him again.

Hearing a noise outside the shower curtain, Elena turned. "Damon, is that you? I need a towel," Elena called. Waiting for a response she began to worry when no one replied. Pulling back the shower curtain, she found that there was no one there and there were no towels. Stepping gingerly out of the shower, Elena walked out into the hallway. "Damon! Stefan! Anyone!" Elena shouted to the empty hallway. "Where is everyone? And more importantly, where are all the towels?" Feeling frustrated, Elena pulled open a door to the linen closet and found that there were no towels.

"Hey, Lena, you're going to be a star of Instagram," Stefan called and Elean whirled around, wrapping her arms around herself and finding that she could not cover up enough flesh.

"Stefan!" Elena shouted in horror at the grinning figure before her.

"I'm not Stefan. But I'll give you three guesses about who I am before I pull your heart out," Silas replied cheerily. "Oh, wait. My bad. It's Christmas. I'll give you five."

Screaming in fright, Elena ran from Silas. "Come back. I'm trying to find your good side and failing miserably, I might say."

"Leave me alone," Elena shouted over her shoulder before she fell down the stairs and found herself at the feet of a grinning Kol Mikaelson.

"Hello, doppleganger," Kol greeted Elena while wielding his infamous baseball bat. "I have so missed trying kill you. Let's rectify that problem, shall we?"

Screaming, Elena tucked herself into a ball and rolled away. "Help me. Somebody. Anybody! I'm the star of show. I can't die. This isn't _Dawson's_ _Creek_ where my love interest will become more interesting than me and no one will care if I die."

Looking around, Elena spotted a pair of black boots and rolled toward them. "Damon," she shouted to the boots.

"Not it's," Klaus called down to her with a smirk.

"Dear God. What are you doing here? Aren't supposed to be in New Orleans torturing other members or a primarily new cast of characters who are simply there to listen to your long explanations of why you are the great and scary hybrid who will kill and torture everyone they ever loved and knew and whatever it is that you say. I swear you talk more than I do and this is supposed to be all about Meeeeeee!"

"Is that Elena?" Damon shouted even though he was standing an inch away, peering down at her.

Jumping to her feet, Elena brushed her hair behind her ears and tried to ignore the fact that there was an evil hybrid standing behind her naked behind. "Damon, I was looking for you…"

"Damon, where do you keep the bourbon these days?" Rose called as she appeared from behind a corner.

"Same place as I always do," Damon shouted back.

Elena's jaw dropped. Rose was wearing Damon's shirt. How did she know? Because it was black and it was overly priced and… and… it barely covered Rose's butt. Wait, was Rose wearing her underwear? "Is she wearing my underwear?" Elena shouted, feeling horrified.

"Well, you weren't using them and Rose needed some and I usually don't bring girls who wear underwear home with me," Damon explained.

"But how is she here?" Elena shouted, feeling frustrated.

"Be-cause E-lena The Other Side is a mess because Bonnie can't do anything right. Duh!" Shaking his head in horror, Damon turned away when Katherine appeared. "Ah, man. I thought you were too busy having sex with Stefan while trying to text Nadia as a pretense of being a good mother."

"Stefan started drinking blood and is off killing people in the town's square. He said something about Elena wanting to snuggle and talk about her feelings toward Damon since Matt was at work and rarely appears anyway." Katherine explained while polishing her toenails. She had her foot propped on Klaus' shoulder and he looked irritated.

"Katherine, if you do not tell me where Caroline is, I will torture you," Klaus snarled at Katherine who rolled her eyes and moved her foot. "Why do you care? She's probably hooking up with one of her ghost boyfriends."

"What ghost boyfriends?" Klaus bellowed, his fangs protruding.

Katherine rolled her eyes and turned toward Elena. "Think that you can handle this? I have to go convince Stefan that turning off his humanity will likely result in Damon's life being threatened." Disappearing before Elena could reply, Elena was left to contemplate Klaus' fury as he grabbed her by the neck.

"Klaus, what are you doing?" Caroline shouted. "And, Elena, why are you naked with MY boyfriend… I mean the guy that I once had steamy sex with in the woods… I mean… Klaus, hey, what's up?" Smiling triumphantly, Caroline tossed her hair with a wide smile.

Klaus relaxed but he glowered at Caroline. "Who are these ghost boyfriends that Katherine mentioned?"

"That little bitch," Caroline yelled and then she turned her attention on Elena. "I should have known that it was you that was causing all these problems, Katherine." Stalking forward, Caroline shouted at Klaus. "Let go of her," Before Elena could thank Caroline as Klaus let go, she found Caroline's hand around her neck.

"Caroline," Elena groaned as Caroline's eyes darkened and Klaus smirked at her.

"Katherine, how did you get inside Elena's body again? You know what, it doesn't matter? I will just torture you until you tell me."

"Caroline, do you have any idea how sexy you are right now?" Klaus whispered to Caroline who was trying to ignore him but her smile told them volumes.

"Sorry, I have to make sure Katherine is punished for this bad behavior of hers," Caroline replied.

"I'm only in town for the next twenty hours," Klaus replied, placing a hand on Caroline's shoulder.

Whirling around, Caroline looked back at Klaus. "Hey, you gave me an epic promise that you would leave me alone. What the hell, Klaus?"

"With The Other Side crumbling I fear that we will all be dying in the very, very soon, love. And I promised you that I would be your last love. Would it be so horrible to ask you to spend twenty of your final hours on this plane naked and in my arms while I make love to you -" Before Klaus could finish his sentence Caroline was headed toward the door, her clothes flying.

"Now, that is how you get past making a promise," Klaus told Elena before running off.

Shivering because her hair had yet to dry and, frankly, she felt slightly violated after having so many people see her naked, Elena just wanted to put this day behind her. Oh, what was it that Klaus said about The Other Side crumbling? That would mean that Bonnie might die. Oh, God, And poor Jeremey would be heartbroken like every other year. Damn. She needed to find a hair dryer and a towel and some underwear because Rose was wearing hers. Ewww! Hurrying toward the staircase, Elena found Kol having a chat with Enzo on how unfair it was to be given so little chance to really develop their characters while the rest of these wankers just pranced about.

Taking careful steps backward, Elena walked into the Great Room hoping that she could cover herself with a pillow from one of the couches. Turning her attention to the corner of the room, Elena smiled. She had forgotten that it was Christmas. Walking over to the tree, forgetting all about the pillows, Elena stood looking up at the top of the tree. There was a tiny vampire smiling down at her. Now, that said a Salvatore Christmas to her.

"Hello, Elena, do you remember me?" a young man asked, looking down at her as she spun around and stared up at him in fear.

"You look like someone that Caroline might have liked but I don't pay that much attention unless it's one of my exes or Klaus," Elena replied, her lower lip trembling.

The guy shook his head. "I can't believe this. You drove a stake through my chest and you don't remember me?" Elena shook her head. She opened her mouth to profess how sorry she was but it had been a stressful year and she was having problems in her personal life and Caroline seemed so worked up about Tyler and Klaus and maybe it was Katherine who killed you that I really don't know what is going on half the time and are you sure that it was Caroline and not a girl who looked like Caroline.

Just as Elena started to allow her thoughts to come out the young man yanked off a piece of the Christmas tree and staked her. Feeling her life moving before her eyes she barely saw Rose walk into the room and pick up the glass decanter. "He's right. It is where is always was. Silly me. Who are you?" She asked the man who had staked Elena.

"Jesse," the man said, glaring down at Elena.

"Would you like to join us for brunch, Jesse?" Rose called, not seeming to notice Elena's corpse.

"That would be nice. Thank you," Jesse replied.

"It is Christmas after all," Rose told him with a laugh before exiting the room.

Jesse grabbed a blanket around the bottom of the tree and tossed it over Elena. She watched him as he walked away. Her eyelids closed slowly and her final thought was "Thank God. Someone finally covered me up. I thought that I would be naked forever." As she appeared as a ghost in the room, her jaw dropped as she realized that she was still naked. "Damn," she muttered, shaking her head in frustration. Somehow this just did not seem to be her day.

**Okay. So, I hope you liked that. There's more where that came from but I have way too many stories so I will update this depending on how many reviews, favs and follows this gets. Thanks for reading, etc. **

**Peace, **

**LL**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello, my lovely readers. This chapter is about Damon and is dedicated to my Guest reviewer who requested that he take the hot seat next. Next we have Klaus. Quick side note: this is not to taken seriously, at all, ever because it's crazy and supposed to be fun. I think… On with the show…**

Chapter 2: Watch What You Drink

He was spinning. Why in hell was he spinning? Waking up upside down with his legs in the air, Damon Salvatore found that he was at a bar atop the mechanical bull. His head was almost grazing the floor. "Shit," Damon groaned.

"Hello there, mate. How are you today?" Enzo called, appearing atop the bull's head.

Damon blinked, "Shit. Enzo. You're dead. How in the hell are you here?"

"Don't know. Something about The Other Side crumbling," was Enzo's reply. "Here's a better question. Where is your baby brother and that little dopple bitch?"

"Which one?" Damon joked although his stomach turned at the thought Enzo had done something to Elena.

"Oh, don't worry, Damon. Last I saw them they were tucked away in their bedy by," Enzo's lips twisted upward in a sneer. "Together."

"Bullshit," Damon snapped.

"If you don't believe me, call them," was Enzo's quick reply with another sneer. "Or maybe you don't care what I think because you let me die. I thought we were mates. And it turns out you killed my girl and your brother killed me."

"He had to," Damon snapped at Enzo. "Stefan wouldn't just kill you without a reason. Or you faked it because Stefan may screw things up sometimes. But he's not a murderer. Except for when he's off the bunny diet."

"Really? How do you know that?" Enzo snapped.

Damon flashed forward and gripped his former best friend by the neck. "Because he's not me. Now, stay the hell away from my family."

"Make me," Enzo replied with a laugh before he disappeared.

"Shit," Damon muttered.

"Problems, mate," another accented voice called and Damon frowned as he turned slowly to find his least favorite Original standing by the bar. Klaus was bent over, showing his boxers… because he was not wearing pants. Why in hell was Klaus not wearing pants? Did he even want to know?

"Not until I saw you. What are you doing here, Klaus?" Damon snarled. He had enough problems as it was. The last thing he needed was freakin' Papa Original himself back in town.

"Well, as you were having a rather amusing chat with the bull over there I was having a lovely time with the former Miss Mystic behind the bar," Klaus announced with a grin.

"KLAUS!" Caroline whined as she popped up from behind the bar in a lacy, see through bra and Damon couldn't help but admire his ex's physique. What the hell, isn't that why he had chosen her when he blew into town in the first place? She had been his little, blonde distraction first. "DAMON! Are you staring at my breasts? Klaus, he's staring at my breasts. Make him stop!"

Damon could only watch in horror as Klaus' eyes turned yellow and Klaus sped toward him. Damon's survival instincts kicked in and he fell to the floor and slid under the bull just as Klaus charged toward him. Hearing the hybrid slam into the giant toy for adults, Damon grinned. "Missed me," Damon taunted. Seeing the look of rage on Klaus' face, Damon sped toward the doors.

When he was passing by the end of the bar, he saw a dart go sailing by his head and he laughed aloud. "Missed me again," he shouted over his shoulder only to hear Klaus growl once more. This was awesome. He may not be Irish but it seemed he was a very lucky man this St. Patrick's Day as he almost got to door.

Suddenly, Damon found himself face to face with Caroline. She was wearing what Damon could only assume were Klaus' leather pants from season four since she fit in them and he had never seen Caroline in leather. It wasn't such a bad look. He did not have long to think about this when Caroline punched him in the face and he went flying onto the bar top. Caroline hopped onto the bar and strutted toward him before straddling him. Leaning down, she snarled, her eyes turning yellow.

"What the hell?" Damon yelped. "Are you a hybrid?"

"Of course. I mean seriously, they could at least give me one good storyline this season and apparently there was like this needle from Dr. Wes who was experimenting and he was going to make an army of hybrids to kill the vampires who then would have to be killed by the witches who would then have to be killed by the -" Caroline rambled on and Damon rolled his eyes.

"Is there a point here or is my punishment the sound of your voice?" Damon asked slowly, trying to not look at her chest that was right in his face. He was a dude, so it was a little hard to keep his eyes on hers. But with Klaus leaning against the bar it added incentive to not.

"Would you rather fight?" Caroline asked, pouting.

"Duh," Damon rolled his eyes again.

"Fine," Caroline sighed before picking up a bottle and smashing Damon's nose in with it.

"Ow," Damon wailed. "My nose."

"You sound like Marsha Brady," Caroline exclaimed with a laugh before taking a sip from the now open bottle.

"Who is this Marsha Brady?" Klaus inquired. "Have I met her?"

"Dear God, don't you dare start that conversation. I swear I will stake myself," Damon screamed in horror.

Ignoring him, Caroline began to explain _The_ _Brady_ _Bunch_ beginning with season one as Klaus pulled out a bottle of bourbon and continued to move it within Damon's reach only to snatch it away before Damon could reach it. Every once in a while Caroline would shift her position and Damon would bite back a groan because he knew that if he made a sound that indicated to Klaus that he was getting anything out of this the hybrid would torture him until he died slowly and painfully. Although that might be better than this.

By season three, Damon had had enough. Sitting up, he attempted to throw Caroline off of him. "Damn it. I'm older than you are. That means I'm stronger. Now, get the hell off of me," he shouted in frustration as the blonde simply shoved him back down like it was nothing.

"Well, I'm not done and I'm angrier. So, just sit back and enjoy yourself," Caroline snapped before wriggling and Klaus raised an eyebrow.

"What?" Klaus murmured, his lids heavy with alcohol but he was beginning to look like he was about to have one of his usual psychotic rants. Damon do did not want to be a part of this.

"Nothing, Klausy," Caroline whispered with a giggle as Klaus snarled at the nickname.

"Do not call me that," Klaus snarled at Caroline, his lips pealing backward to reveal his fangs.

"Why, are you going to punish me for being a naughty girl?" Caroline replied with a grin and Damon shook his head in horror.

"Yes," Klaus snapped, yanking Caroline off of Damon and as Damon sat up, he saw them fly back over the bar top. This made the perfect opportunity for Damon to get the hell out of the bar.

Running out the door and into the parking lot, he was almost hit by Kol Mikaelson who was driving his Camaro. "Son of bitch," Damon snarled as he stared at the youngest Original brother who had half of the female population of Mystic Falls in his backseat.

"Hello there, Salvatore. Thanks for allowing me the use of your vehicle. Turns out girls do like vintage things." Laughing Kol took off for parts unknown.

Damon ran after the car, screaming for help, "Someone is stealing my baby. Dear God. Make him stop."

"Damon," Liz shouted, pulling up in her own car.

"Liz, thank God. I need a ride. Kol is back and he took the only thing that I truly love in this world," Damon screamed at Liz, shoving his hands into his hair.

"He took Elena," Liz guessed.

"No," Damon snapped.

"He took Stefan," Liz guessed again.

"No," Damon shook his head.

"He took the bourbon," Liz replied as someone began to squawk over the police radio. "Could they allow me just one minute of peace?" Liz groaned before reaching forward and turning the radio off. "It's like they expect me to answer when something is going wrong. Everyone knows that the Sheriff is not responsible for anything except for having a tidy desk but not too tidy, asking suspects' questions I really could care less about the answers to and drinking lots and lots of coffee. Oh, and leaving my underage daughter alone at night."

"So, that's why Caroline talks so much. I thought it was from Bill," Damon shook his head, with a bad feeling building up inside.

"Now, what is that Kol took from you again?" Liz asked, giving Damon her best worried for you but not really because she was thinking about a glazed doughnut look.

"He took my car," Damon yelled.

Liz gave him a horrified look. "Oh, Damon," getting out of her car, she walked around the vehicle and hugged him. "I am so sorry for your lose. It's like losing Ric all over again. Isn't it."

"I'm right here," Alaric called, coming to stand beside the two but they did not seem to notice him even when he began to do back handsprings and then to twerk.

"Could you give me a description of what Kol looks like?" Liz inquired quietly.

Damon blinked, "Why do you mean need a description of Kol?"

"I was never in a scene with him. Maybe if I asked Carol she could tell me," Liz said, thoughtfully.

"How 'bout not since Carol has been dead since season four. You remember, you delivered a speech for her in the gym at the high school," Damon rolled his eyes five times as he spoke.

"Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. It's just so hard to keep up with how many people die around here," Liz yawned. "And I'm pulling double duty, writing for this new show called _The_ _Originals_."

"So, you should know what Kol looks like if you're writing for that damn spin-off. I told you that it was too soon. No one ever listens to me/" Shaking his head in disgust, Damon looked over to see Kol speeding by them. The Original popped his head out and waved. "There. That's him."

Liz twisted her head. "I'm sorry. There's something blocking my view. Hey, idiot, get out of road before I have to write a report about your death. That takes too much time." She gave Alaric a disgusted look who stopped and headed toward them. "Some people are so unaware of what is going on around them. Now, where were we? Oh, yes, can you give me a description of this Kol person?"

"Google it. I'm going home," Damon yelled before trudging away.

"Oh, here he is. Hey, he's getting his own show, too," Liz shouted after Damon who was ignoring her.

"Damn them. Damn them all," Damon snarled as he walked down the road and Alaric began to jog beside him. "Man, I miss Ric. Even when he was trying to kill me and everyone I cared about he would never steal my car. Where are you, Ric? If The Other Side is coming down you should be here with me."

"I am, Damon. I'm right here," Alaric called out to Damon.

Shaking his head in his rage, Damon stared ahead of him. "You know I should dig you up and sit you on the front lawn to scare the trick-or-treaters with for Halloween because I hate kids."

"No, you don't," Alaric replied as he jogged. "You would make a great father. I mean look at how badly you've done with Jeremy. I couldn't be prouder."

"I really, really hate kids," Damon snarled as a group of Girl Scouts appeared on the sidewalk ahead of him. They were holding hands and singing the national anthem. "This day is about to get a lot better."

"Damon, no!" Alaric shouted as Damon sped after girl scouts. Alaric started to go after Damon when Kol pulled over the curb and ran over Alaric with Damon's car. Kol began to laugh heartily.

Liz drove by and peered out the window. "Idiot," she grumbled as she pulled over and pulled out her pad to fill out the report. She did not pay attention to Damon approaching the two little girls.

"Hello, girls. Can I make a purchase?" Damon called to the girls who turned around. Staring in horror at the children, Damon would recognize his brother and Elena anywhere. Except they were now eight year-old girls and were smiling up at him. "What the hell!" Damon moaned.

"Hello, would you like a bourbon cookie?" Stefan asked with a high pitched giggle. "Liv said she would fix this but I like this body better. It feels natural."

"Oh, my God," Damon groaned as his baby brother began to twirl a long pigtail before giggling again.

"Come on, Stephanie, I don't think he wants the cookies after all. Let's go find Bonnie. She might want a cookie since she is going to die. Cookies always cheer me up and rainbows and balloons and Mondays and purple things except for Barney who's creepy and sunshine," little Elena announced before walking away.

"Bye, Damon. Wait up, Lena," Stefan shouted as he ran after Elena.

Trudging back to the Boarding House in a daze, Damon pulled the front door open and sped into the Great Room. He really needed a drink. Picking up his bottle of bourbon, he found that it was empty. Yelling in frustration, he threw it at the fireplace, watching it smash to bits.

"Having a bad day?" Markos called out and Damon whirled around.

"This is all you fault!" Damon accused.

"I didn't write the script. You can't blame me. I just got the job. And I have to support myself somehow," Markos replied.

Damon deflated, "That's true. I really need a drink."

"Then it's a good thing I brought this," Markos pulled out a bottle of bourbon and handed it to Damon. Smiling gratefully, Damon took the bottle and began to drink it down steadily. He was so thirsty. It wasn't until he had downed half the bottle that he realized that it was full of vervain and werewolf's venom.

Clawing at his throat, Damon stared up at Markos. "Why?" He groaned, coughing and dropping to his knees.

"Because the universe said that Stefan and Elena have to be together. They did not specify what gender they had to be or whether that meant that they had to marry and live out a happy existence together. They could always get an apartment in New York and live like Will and Grace if Grace never married and Will was a female."

"I really hate this day," Damon said as he looked down at his body.

"You and me both, buddy," Alaric replied, holding out a bottle of bourbon.

"Ric," Damon shouted, turning to embrace his friend.

Ric rolled his eyes, "Of course. Now, he sees me."

"I missed you, man," Damon told Ric as Alaric shook his head. "Let me tell you about the crappiest day I have had in the last forty-eight hours." After an hour Ric wished he was corporal so that he could hang himself.

**Who's up next for a game of mock me central? **

**Thank you to everyone who faved, followed, reviewed and reading: AnnabyBloodOliviabyHeart, jessinicole, xxxlotsandlotsoflove, Alexis2106 and Guest. **

**Peace,**

**LL**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey, my lovely readers. I'm going to be rotating some on billion stories because I have headache that would rival something you see on one of the shows. So, I'm going to try to update what I can when I can but until the pain stops I am not making any promises to anyone about anything. **

**This chapter is Klaus and a few ladies of TO centric because it's a request and I have no problem with mocking anyone of anything. So, yeah, next week is Jeremy's turn. Please, send me requests because thinking is really is not so easy right now. Thanks. **

Chapter 3: A White Oak Valentine

Trudging through the door of Rousseau's, Klaus glowered at the other people in the bar. He had nothing better to do with his life. Therefore drinking seemed like the opportune thing to do. Maybe he would tell Cami, his fake therapist all about his problems.

Just his luck the bartender was standing at the bar staring at a text book. Whenever a customer came to the bar, she would unscrew a bottle of whatever her hand found while she was engrossed in her reading and pour it onto the bar top. Maybe the customer would get part of the drink. Maybe not. Probably not.

Going to sit at the end of the bar, Klaus watched the bartender closely. She was so very, very, very, veeeeeerrrrryyyyy ordinary. But somehow it did not bother Klaus that she was this silly, little human who liked to make herself into a human blood bag from time to time. Then there was the bit where she threatened to expose him to the world as a vampire but that was silly because everyone would just say she was insane and lock her up in a padded room. Then there was the bit where she was slightly insane.

"Get you own damn drink. What the hell? Do I look like I work here or something? I have an exam and then I have to go have sex with Marcel Gerard because Klaus does like it that way and Rebekah left so Marcel has to do someone," Camille screamed at the empty stool in front of her, causing a few customers to look up warily before walking out the door in a hurry.

Yes, that was Cami. 'It was nice having a human friend,' Klaus thought to himself with a smile. 'She'll probably die or try to kill me whereupon I will have to end her life like her uncle. But I hate to be alone and, after all, I did used to hang out with Stefan so I do not have great taste in friends.'

Getting up, Klaus slid into the seat next to the one he had occupied. Cami continued to read like she had no idea that he was there. She reminded him of someone. He just couldn't think of who is was. Perhaps it was Matt. Yes, that's who it must be. It was a wonder that Rebekah did not try to involve herself with Cami; after all, Cami was her type. Then again, Klaus thought that Rebekah usually preferred the company of men. But who knew. They had lived for over a thousand years and his spies told him…

"Klaus, are you going to just sit there and awkwardly stare at Cami all day or are you going to make yourself useful for once?" Hayley demanded and Klaus' eyebrows rose.

"What are you doing here, little wolf? You are supposed to be at the compound being guarded by my minions who will more than likely turn on us and try to kill us all in our sleep one night," Klaus replied smoothly before his eyes filled with tears.

"Klaus, what the hell? Are you about to cry again?" Hayley demanded, narrowing her eyes at him.

"I'm sorry. I just realized that you're pregnant," Klaus replied slowly before hiccupping. Hayley folded her arms over the large mound that was her former waistline. "Well, gee, Sherlock, since I'm due in two weeks I'm surprised that you figured that out. Now, can you pull it together? Elijah is totally stressed about trying to keep the two of us alive." Klaus pulled the end of his shirt up to wipe his eyes and Hayley rolled her eyes as he let it fall down. The fabric was beginning to drip on the floor and Hayley had to move her foot as Klaus began to wring it dry leaving a small river's worth on the floor. Someone walked by and fell, breaking his neck on a barstool but neither Klaus nor Hayley seemed to notice, so intent were they on their semi-argument. "You see, with my heightened emotions due to the vampirism and the werewolvism, my emotions are just out of control."

"I'm pregnant and my emotions are more stable than yours and every time I see you I want to kill you," Hayley snarled. "Why don't you try some anti-depresstants? Then all you want to do is white oak stake yourself. On the other hand, my baby does need a father. But you don't seem like you would be a good role model. I mean look at how well you raised Marcel. What you really need is someone who wants to kill you. On the other hand, you are the baby's father and you did make that cute room for our daughter. Then again, I do have Elijah and if something happens to him there's always Jackson. But more than likely he'll get killed. So, I guess if all else fails and there is not a single other living entity on the planet, not even a tree, I can tolerate co-parenting with you. Or I'll just run away and take the kid with me."

"I am sorry," Klaus sobbed. "I am so sorry. It's my father who made like this."

"He made you into a sobbing mess," Hayley yelled. "I have to go find Elijah. At least he knows how to control himself and act like a man and oh, man, I want to rip his clothes off."

"I'm so happy for the two of you," Klaus sobbed and then realized that Hayley was gone.

Moving to another bar stool next to the one he had been sitting on, Klaus returned to staring at Cami. Then Genevieve appeared behind him. He could smell her a mile away. Literally. She wore this perfume that she probably forced the little witches at her disposal to concoct for her so that she could lure men into her bed.

Sighing heavily, Klaus turned to look up at the witch. "Hello, witch that I took to my bed, although that makes no sense given the fact that you caused me some the greatest pain of my life by exposing my sister's stupidest mistake with my traitorous adoptive son. If only I could take him back and get a refund. Oh, wait I forgot that's not how it works here. Oh, well, what do you want? Have you come to offer me your body because I have decided that I have had all the sex that I can stand to have for the next season and a half? Or is it something to do with the little witches? I will be happy to take Davina off your hands. I need to pretend to be a father for the next two weeks and the idea of having a teenage girl in my home playing loud music and telling me how I ruined her life sounds like good practice to know how to deal with an infant," he greeted cheerily.

Genevieve simply blinked. "I'm sorry. I got so lost in your eyes that I didn't notice what you said. I love you, Klaus. I want to marry you and have your babies."

"I can only have babies with women that I have one night stands with," Klaus replied. "Speaking of which I need to make some phone calls." Pulling out a little black book, Klaus began to search through the women's names that he had marked either werewolf, vampire or other. Well, that was a long list. Maybe he should begin to ask those women if they had happened to become pregnant with his child later. At least he did not have to worry about the vampires.

Speaking of vampires he had had sex with lately… something was gnawing at the edges of his mind and he could not think of what it was. "Klaus," Genevieve called. She had climbed on top of the bar and was dancing in her underwear. Klaus sighed again. Reaching between her legs, he pulled a bottle of bourbon from behind the bar and began to drink straight from the bottle. "Klaus, I miss you," Genevieve cried, kneeling down in front on him and leaning toward him. He leaned back and turned to stare at the other customers.

Cami picked up the water spritzer and began to hose down Genevieve down and she screamed. "Oh, I'm melting. Melting!" Klaus leaned over the bar to see a puddle where Genevieve had been.

"Good job, Cami," Klaus told the bartender who looked over at him.

'What do you want Klaus?" Cami asked as she absently flipped a page and then picked up a bottle and threw it at a customer. "I don't want your filthy money. How dare you try to pay for my services? They're free of charge like my therapy sessions with Klaus."

"That would be because you are not qualified to treat me yet, love," Klaus replied with a smirk as Cami turned to glare at him. She opened her mouth and fire spewed out.

When Cami was done spewing fire, she continued to glare at Klaus. The ancient vampire jumped to his feet, taking a defensive position. "What the hell was that?" Klaus demanded? He was enraged that someone attempted to kill him once again when he was simply minding his own business.

"I learned to breathe fire after I learned that I was in the midst of vampires. I also learned how to pickpocket people." Pulling out a wallet, Cami tossed it on top of the bar. The picture inside looked familiar. The smile of the lovely blonde girl with wide eyes and curly hair reminded him of someone familiar. Cami pocketed the cash from inside the wallet before downing some vodka and then flicking a lighter open. She then began to breathe fire once more.

When she was done, Klaus popped back up with a question on his lips, "Where did the lighter come from?"

"The five and dime I would say from the looks of it and Marcel's back pocket was where I found it," Cami informed Klaus.

Narrowing his eyes, Klaus tried again. "I meant where did it come from before you started breathing fire the first time?" It was so difficult trying to get women or anyone really to tell him things anymore. It made him want to kill. But there was no one to kill but himself and Cami. So, he began to cry again.

Rolling her eyes, Cami glared at Klaus. "Okay, first thing is that I can do magic tricks like make this lighter appear and disappear faster than a vampire can see because Davina likes me and she shows me how to do magic tricks. Second, there is a mop in the back and I want you clean up every last drop of that torrential rain that you're spewing over there."

"Yes, Mother," Klaus replied, his shoulders slumping. When the words slipped out, he registered what he had just said he gulped and then ran for his undead life as Cami climbed over the bar top with a vodka bottle in one hand and a lighter in the other.

Klaus had only had time to grab the wallet with the other blonde's picture in it before he made a mad dash for the compound. His useless minions did nothing to stop the fire breather. They simply ran from her as Klaus ran toward the stairs. As he sped past, he saw Elijah and Hayley making out like the world was coming to an end. That made him want to cry, too.

Swinging into his bedroom, he slammed the door shut. Cami could not enter his bedroom because he had had it magically spelled so that no human could enter. Taking a deep breath, Klaus sighed in relief just as a hand slid under his shirt and up his chest. Freezing, he inhaled and sighed. It was the girl in the photo I. D. Turning around, Klaus smiled down at the blonde in front of him. "Happy Valentine's Day, Caroline."

"Happy, V-day, Klaus," Caroline replied, sliding his shirt off and then yanking him toward the bed by his belt. Climbing on top of him, Caroline straddled Klaus and he smiled up at her.

"You are magnificent, love," Klaus informed Caroline.

"I know," Caroline replied. "You told me so often that there is no way I couldn't know. All those sweet things that you told me. I mean no one ever talked to me like that. No one ever made me feel like that before. You know what else…" Klaus shook his head as Caroline's grin grew wider. "Rebekah came to Mystic Falls and told me about Hayley and then when I came to town this nice man named Marcel told me about Genevieve, Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

"I love you, Caroline," Klaus told her sincerely.

Caroline nodded. "I know. And this way you'll only love me and keep your promise to be my last love." Pulling out a white oak stake, Caroline staked Klaus, whose jaw dropped. "Caroline," he groaned.

Looking down at his body which was now a charred corpse, Klaus could not believe that Caroline had done such a thing. She was lying beside him with her eyes closed. Several hours later, Caroline appeared next to him. "See. Now, you kept your promise," she announced and Klaus knew that he was right to have chosen her. They truly were made for each other.

**Three down. But remember they always come back like gremblins. If anyone does not know that what a gremblin is I apologize for being oldish. Somebody tell me how to the make a smirk face on here. Seriously. I am so behind the times. Oh, well, got to go get my cane, shawl and shove my false teeth in to scary the neighbor kids with. **

**Thank you Redbudrose, Jeremy Shane, pleasesaycaroline and Guest. **

**Laoise: I had to think of something that you would never Alaric doing and twerking came to mind. **

**Guest: Next week. **

**Peace, **

**Jessica**


	4. Chapter 4

Hello My Lovely Readers,

My doctor advised me to write only once a week due to severe headaches. Therefore, I will be posting less frequently for awhile.

Please write a mini review or PM to let me know which story you prefer to have posted next week.

You can choose among all the fics I have yet to finish.

I will try to decide which fic has not been updated recently as opposed to those that have been updated lately.

Birds of a Feather

Take Me Out to the Ballgame

The Season of the Witch

Terrible Love

Welcome to Big Brother TVD Edition

Hummingbird Heartbeats

His Biological Son

I Have a Bad Case of Loving You

Home Is Where My Family Is

Her Greatest Desire

The Cost of Little Vials of Blood

The Klairoline Shipper Games

The "What the Hell" Diaries

The Mystic Falls Dare Club

Whichever fic gets the most reviews will be the one I post next. The rest will fall in line according to the number of reviews.

Peace,

Girl with Severe Pain


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